Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
