I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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