She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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