Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
