saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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