I am in a vortex of obligation.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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