i'm signing you up for texting rehab
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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