I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
