I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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