Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.