Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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