I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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