I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just found a bag of teeth...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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