is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize