I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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