In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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