you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
