She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
