you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm experimenting with sincerity
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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