She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
