I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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