Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
