I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
