We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize