I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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