Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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