I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
