Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
