I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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