she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
