my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
