Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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