you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
