Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months