Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad