Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence