My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
