And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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