just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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