I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
