You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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