How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
