So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
