I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
