i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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