I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
