My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
