Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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