My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
