I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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