I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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