a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
