Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
