whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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