If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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