Your face is a jimmy john
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
