I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
