Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
