Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
