i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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